*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
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9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming