A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
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Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Coffee for people with no kids
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it