love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
You Might Also Like
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?