If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
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[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.