Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
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so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]