do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
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It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into