“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.