I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Just a bush.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol