People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
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Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Google Pay be like:
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball