“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
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I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*