Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.