Lmfao
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Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.