If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
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i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?