I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
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i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Isn’t
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
damn he’s good
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?