°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
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-Hot Pringles in your area
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.