Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
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Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY