Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
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My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!