Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
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Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I bet birds love this building.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!