Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
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TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.