*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
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Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good