Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
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[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)