I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
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I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Trumpy Cat
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “