ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
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What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.