My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
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When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
He wanted to make sure😂
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?