Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
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Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
That’s no pocket rocket.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
let’s discuss
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.