Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
You Might Also Like
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ