Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
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A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.