dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
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Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Solving a traffic jam
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!