When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
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“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying