I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
You Might Also Like
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Well, that didn’t work.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh