(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
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I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car