Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
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Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants