Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
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The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
how it started vs how it ended
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”