I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
You Might Also Like
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
is this a threat