I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
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when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Guy who likes music
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.