my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.