Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
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My new favorite headline
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.