Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
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How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
SCARY COSTUME
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can