This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
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If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I think I’m having a stroke
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.