Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
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When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I don鈥檛 know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
ME: funny how there鈥檚 no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I鈥檇 be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 馃槷
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT