HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
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in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe