Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
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I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day