If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
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When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?