Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
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Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.