[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
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worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Well, this is awkward
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.