I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
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[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。