What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
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I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.