I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
You Might Also Like
Stop.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁