You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
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FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Skills
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep