[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
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Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
#winning
I know karate and tons of other words.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Yep.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
The old gods are rising again.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still